Questions.

Today was Tuesday.
It was
long.
irritating.
discouraging.
stressful, then relaxed, then stressful again.
rainy and cold.

I don't know exactly why, but I found myself being annoyed with many different things, situations, people, and places today. I slept past my intended time this morning, which ended up being okay in the end, but a not-so-normal beginning. I felt so exhausted that I could have thrown up at breakfast, which caused me to not eat very much. I took my quiz, felt pretty good about it, then showered during the 45 minute break between sessions, the whole time wishing I was asleep instead. I got my dose after lunch when I slept for nearly 3 hours. I then went to do some shelving at the library before dinner, ate, came back, and watched half (ish) of 50 First Dates on my computer. That's when Nate Manning came into my room frantically looking for a playlist for tonight's dance downstairs, so I whipped together some songs and took it down there with me when I was setting up for prom-style pictures. Not very many people came to it, but it ended up being kinda fun. I then found a group on my floor playing a version of Scrabble, and went into my room shortly after. Since then, I have talked to my mom on the phone for 45 minutes and laid in bed. Just silence.

You know those days when you feel...used? Vulnerable? Are those the right words I need to describe today?
The gloomy, yet humid weather doesn't help. It reminds me of all the dark days I had during the winter when I missed the sunshine and my friends and family and normalcy. It reminds me of feeling angry when I didn't really have much reason to feel that way. Loneliness.
Today was that day for me.
I have yet to find out why, but I trust God and know He is with me. At many instances today, I let myself forget that and get annoyed with silly things.

I only have one week left in Goshen. But I'm coming back in June for the piano workshop with Aspen and possibly Emma. I'm flying into Wichita, then driving with Aspen after that. It will break up the summer routine a bit and be a nice vacation back to this place. Mom is coming out next week and is extremely excited. I'm not sure how she's gonna react or if she will fully get to experience the joy and love I have for Goshen, but it will be her open door to do so.

My throat hurts and my heart is aching.
Mmm.

How do you know that what you are doing with your life is right?
Am I too forward?
Am I asking too much?
Why do you make me feel like I'm an embarrassment to be around sometimes?
Why am I taken advantage of?
Why are we all so naive to the struggles of our own versus the ones we could be fighting? The ones that are much greater than picking out our outfits or failing that test?
What if it was a decision between life and death?