I live a very blessed life.
I shouldn't abuse that by being angry about such things.
Friday, June 4, 2010
You know what it is?
I think I'm bitter.
I don't like being bitter.
I'm too down on myself, but that's discipline. I'm sick of feeling like I don't work hard enough at things: like I could always be better or faster or more expressive or more dedicated to my work or smarter or that I could have and SHOULD have chosen a better career path. I'm sick of being told that I'm going in the wrong direction because I won't make enough money.
"So what do you hope to do with your music major?"
"Studying abroad in China sounds like a bad idea. You shouldn't go."
"How many hours a day do you practice?"
"You could be so much more than you are."
"I weigh 130 pounds and I'm fat."
My heart is just...exhausted, friends.
I have fought for love so many times and have been failed.
I have rummaged through people's dreams and given them reason to chase after them while it only makes me question my own.
The feeling of being used is not a good one, folks, and one I hope you don't often feel. I've gotten my share.
I don't like that I'm angry and bitter and hurting and questioning.
Take me out of this.
I think I'm bitter.
I don't like being bitter.
I'm too down on myself, but that's discipline. I'm sick of feeling like I don't work hard enough at things: like I could always be better or faster or more expressive or more dedicated to my work or smarter or that I could have and SHOULD have chosen a better career path. I'm sick of being told that I'm going in the wrong direction because I won't make enough money.
"So what do you hope to do with your music major?"
"Studying abroad in China sounds like a bad idea. You shouldn't go."
"How many hours a day do you practice?"
"You could be so much more than you are."
"I weigh 130 pounds and I'm fat."
My heart is just...exhausted, friends.
I have fought for love so many times and have been failed.
I have rummaged through people's dreams and given them reason to chase after them while it only makes me question my own.
The feeling of being used is not a good one, folks, and one I hope you don't often feel. I've gotten my share.
I don't like that I'm angry and bitter and hurting and questioning.
Take me out of this.
Original song.
I didn't know how to start on a new post.
I have a lot on my mind and my heart is hurting tonight for some reason.
Nothing happened. I just...got overwhelmed.
So I cried and wrote this song. I recorded it on GarageBand because I felt like it was going to be one to remember. Bear with the quality, it kinda sucks, but that's not what I was concerned about. I was more concerned about getting all this off my heart and into the music instead.
"Heartbreak". That's how I feel.
http://www.zshare.net/download/768993910dc4e4f6/
I have a lot on my mind and my heart is hurting tonight for some reason.
Nothing happened. I just...got overwhelmed.
So I cried and wrote this song. I recorded it on GarageBand because I felt like it was going to be one to remember. Bear with the quality, it kinda sucks, but that's not what I was concerned about. I was more concerned about getting all this off my heart and into the music instead.
"Heartbreak". That's how I feel.
http://www.zshare.net/download/768993910dc4e4f6/
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Week number one.
Right now, a week ago, I was sound asleep at Adam Roth's house in Goshen with my mom.
Many things have changed since then.
To make a long story short: my mom flew into South Bend on Wednesday of last week and left with me back to Portland on Friday morning. We were in Portland by 11:00 AM (our time) to be back in time for Katie's parade in Keizer on Saturday morning. Since then, it has been a whirlwind.
Being home is great and odd and uncomfortable all at the same time. I really enjoy Oregon and tend to miss the atmosphere here a lot while I'm in Indiana, when I'm not caught up in the extreme beauty of the midwest (which is usually all the time). But I don't know; there's also something about this place that really makes me want to get back to Goshen. Being so far away from home all the time really has made me appreciate location and living life in the present moment, not thinking about what you could or should or might have otherwise. When I'm here, I lose my sense of time. Clocks don't matter because the set time on my computer screen it set to east coast time. I'm constantly thinking of what I would be doing if I was in that time zone instead. Driving is free and open and endless, until it gets familiar again. I always think I'm going to forget how to drive places or which highways to take to certain places, but no. Everything comes back so quickly it's almost weird. Up until yesterday, all of my suitcases were exploding with clothes in the middle of my room and I couldn't even walk to my bed. I literally had to jump. And, for a girl that's only 5'2", that's...a sight to see. I put all my clothes away, got rid of all the old ones I left here, and cleaned. It was almost like I was erasing my old life and moving in my new one. That's the truth, too. It sounds just as weird to me as it might to you, but it's refreshing.
It's been raining here ever since I've been home, which has kinda put a downer on my attitude about not being around Goshen people. But it has allowed for some excellent down time and reflection. I haven't written any letters yet but will soon get into that habit, along with practicing also. I've played my piano a lot since I moved back in, just not my Beethoven concerto. Whoops. Good thing I have motivation to do that though, since I'm going back to Goshen in a few weeks for the piano workshop. Music breathes life into me. It's the breath of God telling me not to lose hope on my emotions and thoughts; almost like the motivation I have to blog about whatever's on my mind at the time, you know? He's saying, "Talk to me. I already know what's going on in your head and your life, but you need to let it out. So go. I gave you a talent and a piano. Use it."
So I do.
It's very quiet here. Just...still. My life was so hectic and busy and moving and completely active at Goshen and here...it's weird...it just kinda paused. But it's good and I love it. And I don't think I would want it any other way. Oregon is home, but Indiana is my place in the world. Who would have thought? Ha.
This weekend, I'm continuing to work (Old Navy) and do random, spontaneous activities with friends and family. After I post this, I'm writing a letter because I have way too much energy to be awake right now. Oh well.
I am safe and I am sound.
Many things have changed since then.
To make a long story short: my mom flew into South Bend on Wednesday of last week and left with me back to Portland on Friday morning. We were in Portland by 11:00 AM (our time) to be back in time for Katie's parade in Keizer on Saturday morning. Since then, it has been a whirlwind.
Being home is great and odd and uncomfortable all at the same time. I really enjoy Oregon and tend to miss the atmosphere here a lot while I'm in Indiana, when I'm not caught up in the extreme beauty of the midwest (which is usually all the time). But I don't know; there's also something about this place that really makes me want to get back to Goshen. Being so far away from home all the time really has made me appreciate location and living life in the present moment, not thinking about what you could or should or might have otherwise. When I'm here, I lose my sense of time. Clocks don't matter because the set time on my computer screen it set to east coast time. I'm constantly thinking of what I would be doing if I was in that time zone instead. Driving is free and open and endless, until it gets familiar again. I always think I'm going to forget how to drive places or which highways to take to certain places, but no. Everything comes back so quickly it's almost weird. Up until yesterday, all of my suitcases were exploding with clothes in the middle of my room and I couldn't even walk to my bed. I literally had to jump. And, for a girl that's only 5'2", that's...a sight to see. I put all my clothes away, got rid of all the old ones I left here, and cleaned. It was almost like I was erasing my old life and moving in my new one. That's the truth, too. It sounds just as weird to me as it might to you, but it's refreshing.
It's been raining here ever since I've been home, which has kinda put a downer on my attitude about not being around Goshen people. But it has allowed for some excellent down time and reflection. I haven't written any letters yet but will soon get into that habit, along with practicing also. I've played my piano a lot since I moved back in, just not my Beethoven concerto. Whoops. Good thing I have motivation to do that though, since I'm going back to Goshen in a few weeks for the piano workshop. Music breathes life into me. It's the breath of God telling me not to lose hope on my emotions and thoughts; almost like the motivation I have to blog about whatever's on my mind at the time, you know? He's saying, "Talk to me. I already know what's going on in your head and your life, but you need to let it out. So go. I gave you a talent and a piano. Use it."
So I do.
It's very quiet here. Just...still. My life was so hectic and busy and moving and completely active at Goshen and here...it's weird...it just kinda paused. But it's good and I love it. And I don't think I would want it any other way. Oregon is home, but Indiana is my place in the world. Who would have thought? Ha.
This weekend, I'm continuing to work (Old Navy) and do random, spontaneous activities with friends and family. After I post this, I'm writing a letter because I have way too much energy to be awake right now. Oh well.
I am safe and I am sound.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Exhausted.
Yesterday was my last time with everybody for 3 months.
Today was a long, nostalgic day.
Tomorrow I return to Oregon.
I can't even think right now.
Today was a long, nostalgic day.
Tomorrow I return to Oregon.
I can't even think right now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Speechless beauty.
Today is Saturday.
So far, I feel really good. I went to bed last night at, what, 10:30? 11:00? and woke up to a phone call at 10:30 this morning. I do not remember waking up once throughout the course of the night. Wonderful.
Yesterday, I was exhausted all day. I had only gotten about 3.5 or 4 hours of sleep the night before, and I wanted to be up and awake for breakfast before our quiz in Survey of Music Literature. I was asked to speak at chapel on Thursday night unexpectedly, and my creative juices just kept flowing into the night and early morning. I was nervous about saying the right things and making laughable jokes. They asked me to talk on the topic of how we can incorporate faith in our everyday lives during this summer, while we are all away from Goshen, friends, and the memories we made. I was supposed to talk about my year as a whole and my summer plans. Like everything I write, it hard to begin writing and get a general plan for what I wanted to say, but once I got going, it wasn't a problem. In fact, I had to cut a lot of stuff that I originally wrote just to fit the time limit.
I only had enough time to dry my hair and get part of my makeup on before I got pancakes and went to class. I got out early, changed my clothes, and went to chapel. Nikita led worship and I was first to speak. I shook the entire time. My knees were NOT happy in my heels. But, good news. People laughed at my jokes and gave me good feedback about my message. I'm really happy about how it turned out, actually. After lunch, I tried to take a nap, but it really wasn't meant to be. I got 5 phone calls in 45 minutes. I played some volleyball outside and went to pick up Chance in Aaron's car in Van Wert, about 2 hours away. I...got lost. And...I had a GPS system. But I eventually got there, picked up Bradley and Chance, and headed back to Goshen.
On the way home, I was very humbled by the sunset we were driving towards. Chance said it was God painting because I said it literally looked like somebody dipped a brush into pink and purple and red paint and just swiped it across the skyline. I've seen the most beautiful sunsets of my life in the mid-west, but none quite like last night's. There were empty fields and no mountains and you could see forever. I was reminded of the scripture I talked about in my message in chapel, 1 Thessalonians 5:18: "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Leaving Goshen is becoming more of a reality everyday for me. Knowing that I'm 19, now almost a sophomore in college, living out my own dreams and aspirations, I'm wondering where all that time went. More doors are being opened to me that I was once certain were locked shut forever; second chances that I didn't see coming.
There is finally logic in my life of chaos and confusion.
I am at peace.
My heart no longer yearns for something greater than what is in front of me.
Although I have experienced heartbreak, defeat, anger, and disappointment this year, the beauty of everything else has humbled me to call Goshen my new home. And although packing all of my belongings into storage boxes will be daunting and odd, it will give me motivation to revisit with them in the fall, when everybody is reunited and the sun is still shining down it's hot and refreshing light.
Because of Goshen and God's plan for me, I am stronger.
Healthier.
Happier.
Smarter.
Blessed.
So far, I feel really good. I went to bed last night at, what, 10:30? 11:00? and woke up to a phone call at 10:30 this morning. I do not remember waking up once throughout the course of the night. Wonderful.
Yesterday, I was exhausted all day. I had only gotten about 3.5 or 4 hours of sleep the night before, and I wanted to be up and awake for breakfast before our quiz in Survey of Music Literature. I was asked to speak at chapel on Thursday night unexpectedly, and my creative juices just kept flowing into the night and early morning. I was nervous about saying the right things and making laughable jokes. They asked me to talk on the topic of how we can incorporate faith in our everyday lives during this summer, while we are all away from Goshen, friends, and the memories we made. I was supposed to talk about my year as a whole and my summer plans. Like everything I write, it hard to begin writing and get a general plan for what I wanted to say, but once I got going, it wasn't a problem. In fact, I had to cut a lot of stuff that I originally wrote just to fit the time limit.
I only had enough time to dry my hair and get part of my makeup on before I got pancakes and went to class. I got out early, changed my clothes, and went to chapel. Nikita led worship and I was first to speak. I shook the entire time. My knees were NOT happy in my heels. But, good news. People laughed at my jokes and gave me good feedback about my message. I'm really happy about how it turned out, actually. After lunch, I tried to take a nap, but it really wasn't meant to be. I got 5 phone calls in 45 minutes. I played some volleyball outside and went to pick up Chance in Aaron's car in Van Wert, about 2 hours away. I...got lost. And...I had a GPS system. But I eventually got there, picked up Bradley and Chance, and headed back to Goshen.
On the way home, I was very humbled by the sunset we were driving towards. Chance said it was God painting because I said it literally looked like somebody dipped a brush into pink and purple and red paint and just swiped it across the skyline. I've seen the most beautiful sunsets of my life in the mid-west, but none quite like last night's. There were empty fields and no mountains and you could see forever. I was reminded of the scripture I talked about in my message in chapel, 1 Thessalonians 5:18: "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Leaving Goshen is becoming more of a reality everyday for me. Knowing that I'm 19, now almost a sophomore in college, living out my own dreams and aspirations, I'm wondering where all that time went. More doors are being opened to me that I was once certain were locked shut forever; second chances that I didn't see coming.
There is finally logic in my life of chaos and confusion.
I am at peace.
My heart no longer yearns for something greater than what is in front of me.
Although I have experienced heartbreak, defeat, anger, and disappointment this year, the beauty of everything else has humbled me to call Goshen my new home. And although packing all of my belongings into storage boxes will be daunting and odd, it will give me motivation to revisit with them in the fall, when everybody is reunited and the sun is still shining down it's hot and refreshing light.
Because of Goshen and God's plan for me, I am stronger.
Healthier.
Happier.
Smarter.
Blessed.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Excellence.
Today was Wednesday.
I am thankful for today.
I got 10, solid, glorious hours of sleep last night. That wasn't exactly my plan, but I let it happen because I really needed it. 11:45 rolled around and I showered and went to lunch. I spent the remainder of my afternoon in the music center, anxiously and uncomfortably waiting for the time to pass before my piano lesson.
This last week, I felt like I hit a definite and obvious plateau.
With music, it is a day to day, week to week thing. Just like we open our eyes to a new day after a night of restoration, or a jump into a cold river on a hot, sweaty day. You have to make a conscious decision as to whether or not you are going to seek excellence. Music has taught me to be honest. It is one of the most raw hobbies you can do because it puts everything out on the table with no room for cover-ups. Let's compare my other hobbies: photography? I can edit pictures to look a certain way. Meeting new people? You can act like any person you wanted to and they would never know you weren't really yourself. Music? Oh, yeah. I'll just play a recording and they'll never know the difference.
See what I mean?
Honesty. Raw, brutal, and beautiful truths. Most of the time when I feel like I'm plateauing, I've got something else in the back of my mind that's getting in the way of me having more confidence in myself. I easily compare myself to the other pianists in the department because I don't practice 5 hours a day, I'm not JUST a music major...I can't do what they do. But you know what I HAVE realized? I can give the best I can, which has gotten me this far. I can push myself to be motivated by their habits and talents. I don't have to prove myself any more than I already have. I will become better and I will capture beautiful moments with my music. I will continue to work hard and motivate others to appreciate the language it speaks.
Music truly is a lifestyle.
It's a verb.
To go freely.
To live.
To accept the hardships and learn from them.
To be the voice of the quiet who don't know how to talk.
To push yourself.
To be pissed off or blissful.
To love.
To dance.
To be playful.
To make a commitment.
I really love playing piano.
And I'm really happy God chose me to be a musician.
Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell him of his wonderful acts.
1 Chronicles 16:9
I am thankful for today.
I got 10, solid, glorious hours of sleep last night. That wasn't exactly my plan, but I let it happen because I really needed it. 11:45 rolled around and I showered and went to lunch. I spent the remainder of my afternoon in the music center, anxiously and uncomfortably waiting for the time to pass before my piano lesson.
This last week, I felt like I hit a definite and obvious plateau.
With music, it is a day to day, week to week thing. Just like we open our eyes to a new day after a night of restoration, or a jump into a cold river on a hot, sweaty day. You have to make a conscious decision as to whether or not you are going to seek excellence. Music has taught me to be honest. It is one of the most raw hobbies you can do because it puts everything out on the table with no room for cover-ups. Let's compare my other hobbies: photography? I can edit pictures to look a certain way. Meeting new people? You can act like any person you wanted to and they would never know you weren't really yourself. Music? Oh, yeah. I'll just play a recording and they'll never know the difference.
See what I mean?
Honesty. Raw, brutal, and beautiful truths. Most of the time when I feel like I'm plateauing, I've got something else in the back of my mind that's getting in the way of me having more confidence in myself. I easily compare myself to the other pianists in the department because I don't practice 5 hours a day, I'm not JUST a music major...I can't do what they do. But you know what I HAVE realized? I can give the best I can, which has gotten me this far. I can push myself to be motivated by their habits and talents. I don't have to prove myself any more than I already have. I will become better and I will capture beautiful moments with my music. I will continue to work hard and motivate others to appreciate the language it speaks.
Music truly is a lifestyle.
It's a verb.
To go freely.
To live.
To accept the hardships and learn from them.
To be the voice of the quiet who don't know how to talk.
To push yourself.
To be pissed off or blissful.
To love.
To dance.
To be playful.
To make a commitment.
I really love playing piano.
And I'm really happy God chose me to be a musician.
Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell him of his wonderful acts.
1 Chronicles 16:9
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Questions.
Today was Tuesday.
It was
long.
irritating.
discouraging.
stressful, then relaxed, then stressful again.
rainy and cold.
I don't know exactly why, but I found myself being annoyed with many different things, situations, people, and places today. I slept past my intended time this morning, which ended up being okay in the end, but a not-so-normal beginning. I felt so exhausted that I could have thrown up at breakfast, which caused me to not eat very much. I took my quiz, felt pretty good about it, then showered during the 45 minute break between sessions, the whole time wishing I was asleep instead. I got my dose after lunch when I slept for nearly 3 hours. I then went to do some shelving at the library before dinner, ate, came back, and watched half (ish) of 50 First Dates on my computer. That's when Nate Manning came into my room frantically looking for a playlist for tonight's dance downstairs, so I whipped together some songs and took it down there with me when I was setting up for prom-style pictures. Not very many people came to it, but it ended up being kinda fun. I then found a group on my floor playing a version of Scrabble, and went into my room shortly after. Since then, I have talked to my mom on the phone for 45 minutes and laid in bed. Just silence.
You know those days when you feel...used? Vulnerable? Are those the right words I need to describe today?
The gloomy, yet humid weather doesn't help. It reminds me of all the dark days I had during the winter when I missed the sunshine and my friends and family and normalcy. It reminds me of feeling angry when I didn't really have much reason to feel that way. Loneliness.
Today was that day for me.
I have yet to find out why, but I trust God and know He is with me. At many instances today, I let myself forget that and get annoyed with silly things.
I only have one week left in Goshen. But I'm coming back in June for the piano workshop with Aspen and possibly Emma. I'm flying into Wichita, then driving with Aspen after that. It will break up the summer routine a bit and be a nice vacation back to this place. Mom is coming out next week and is extremely excited. I'm not sure how she's gonna react or if she will fully get to experience the joy and love I have for Goshen, but it will be her open door to do so.
My throat hurts and my heart is aching.
Mmm.
How do you know that what you are doing with your life is right?
Am I too forward?
Am I asking too much?
Why do you make me feel like I'm an embarrassment to be around sometimes?
Why am I taken advantage of?
Why are we all so naive to the struggles of our own versus the ones we could be fighting? The ones that are much greater than picking out our outfits or failing that test?
What if it was a decision between life and death?
It was
long.
irritating.
discouraging.
stressful, then relaxed, then stressful again.
rainy and cold.
I don't know exactly why, but I found myself being annoyed with many different things, situations, people, and places today. I slept past my intended time this morning, which ended up being okay in the end, but a not-so-normal beginning. I felt so exhausted that I could have thrown up at breakfast, which caused me to not eat very much. I took my quiz, felt pretty good about it, then showered during the 45 minute break between sessions, the whole time wishing I was asleep instead. I got my dose after lunch when I slept for nearly 3 hours. I then went to do some shelving at the library before dinner, ate, came back, and watched half (ish) of 50 First Dates on my computer. That's when Nate Manning came into my room frantically looking for a playlist for tonight's dance downstairs, so I whipped together some songs and took it down there with me when I was setting up for prom-style pictures. Not very many people came to it, but it ended up being kinda fun. I then found a group on my floor playing a version of Scrabble, and went into my room shortly after. Since then, I have talked to my mom on the phone for 45 minutes and laid in bed. Just silence.
You know those days when you feel...used? Vulnerable? Are those the right words I need to describe today?
The gloomy, yet humid weather doesn't help. It reminds me of all the dark days I had during the winter when I missed the sunshine and my friends and family and normalcy. It reminds me of feeling angry when I didn't really have much reason to feel that way. Loneliness.
Today was that day for me.
I have yet to find out why, but I trust God and know He is with me. At many instances today, I let myself forget that and get annoyed with silly things.
I only have one week left in Goshen. But I'm coming back in June for the piano workshop with Aspen and possibly Emma. I'm flying into Wichita, then driving with Aspen after that. It will break up the summer routine a bit and be a nice vacation back to this place. Mom is coming out next week and is extremely excited. I'm not sure how she's gonna react or if she will fully get to experience the joy and love I have for Goshen, but it will be her open door to do so.
My throat hurts and my heart is aching.
Mmm.
How do you know that what you are doing with your life is right?
Am I too forward?
Am I asking too much?
Why do you make me feel like I'm an embarrassment to be around sometimes?
Why am I taken advantage of?
Why are we all so naive to the struggles of our own versus the ones we could be fighting? The ones that are much greater than picking out our outfits or failing that test?
What if it was a decision between life and death?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
May.
Looking back and reading all of my old posts make me laugh.
They are hardly means for documenting my life.
But...I'm gonna keep them. I can't just get rid of them because I sound stupid, I suppose.
It's May 10th and I haven't updated since March. Fail. But you know, that's fine. I'm not gonna try to fill you in on all the details, because...quite frankly, that would bore me and take forever. So how about we just start from here?
Today was Sunday. In the most general sense, because I'm exhausted and just wrote a 5 page paper, I
slept in.
took a shower.
went to lunch.
read a bunch of books for my research portion of that paper.
went to dinner.
worked on my paper some more.
walked to the college cabin with Emma and Jake.
took a lot of rad pictures.
froze.
came back.
worked on my paper.
skyped Casey, who's on vacation in Florida this week.
ate Lynelle's apple.
talked to Chance on the phone. several times.
laughed at all my YouTube videos with Sam and Billy.
finished my paper.
talk to Chance again.
visited Aspen on the Kratz 4 connector.
talked.
left.
undressed.
here.
Thoughts in my head right now?
sleep.
i'm going home soon.
this place is truly my home now.
i let a photoblog take over this blog? lame. i should write more. and i think i will.
food.
chocolate milk, perhaps?
They are hardly means for documenting my life.
But...I'm gonna keep them. I can't just get rid of them because I sound stupid, I suppose.
It's May 10th and I haven't updated since March. Fail. But you know, that's fine. I'm not gonna try to fill you in on all the details, because...quite frankly, that would bore me and take forever. So how about we just start from here?
Today was Sunday. In the most general sense, because I'm exhausted and just wrote a 5 page paper, I
slept in.
took a shower.
went to lunch.
read a bunch of books for my research portion of that paper.
went to dinner.
worked on my paper some more.
walked to the college cabin with Emma and Jake.
took a lot of rad pictures.
froze.
came back.
worked on my paper.
skyped Casey, who's on vacation in Florida this week.
ate Lynelle's apple.
talked to Chance on the phone. several times.
laughed at all my YouTube videos with Sam and Billy.
finished my paper.
talk to Chance again.
visited Aspen on the Kratz 4 connector.
talked.
left.
undressed.
here.
Thoughts in my head right now?
sleep.
i'm going home soon.
this place is truly my home now.
i let a photoblog take over this blog? lame. i should write more. and i think i will.
food.
chocolate milk, perhaps?
Friday, March 5, 2010
My apologies.
I can't believe I've let this journal go this far without being updated. Fail.
Soon, friends, I will fill you in.
Trust me, there's a lot to catch up on:
a) My hair
b) Spring break
c) School in general
d) Spring finally arriving on campus
e) Traveling home
f) A personal struggle
See you soon.
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